love. [07 Nov 2005|04:20am] i'm really frusterated. but happy. 1 comment|post comment

outstanding through a mirror of self inflicted stupidity [06 Nov 2005|02:39am] i'm a positive thinker by nature until negativity hits my mind. the vibes of a generally happy situation turn into a chaotic roar through past emotions and critical embarassment. perhaps we're meant to be a string of positive and negative energy that runs unpredictably. we never know when that next sad moment will occur after excellence and ultimate passion. perhaps it reminds us that imperfection runs through our vains and moments of perfection must be cherished. we can strive to be a loving species but circumstance fucks with us and we're forced to hate either ourselves or others. i usually end up hating myself for the free nature of my words like right now. i'll get over it soon but right now i feel like absolute shit. my "say anything" approach to life had a clause or fine print of some kind. that clause was the result of selfishness and lack of compassion. to realize my mistake and to work past it almost moments later and then to still feel like shit hahaha. it's funny. anyway i love someone more than the world regardless of circumstance or condition. fuck chaos. i'll beat it. she's still perfect in my heart and will remain that way forever even if my mind tries to play fucking games with me. <3 times infinity. 3 comments|post comment

Chapter 11: Consistency Plagued by Change [20 Sep 2005|05:43am] passionate revolution sparking inevitable change natural or synthetic? this is still destiny for a moment we're now and for now we're a moment time could not deny us nor could we deny time this is it or question is this it? answering machine you are set upon man to deliver a pile of unknowns and one absolute truth death it's preventing us from life solution with resolution a world without opposites an existence without variance consistency failed and we are left with this... post comment

Chapter 10: Predicted Unpredictability [05 Sep 2005|09:41pm] excellent spaces to exist these holes of life the passages to our purpose destroyed by forces unknown we're tools to this game while we sit back and find ways our system curses us believable only in a paranoid world where fear controls action and action controls destiny no longer is a spontaneous life beautiful it is challenged by systematic ugliness romance is in dreams and love is socialized into betrayal post comment

Chapter 9 - Cause and (Fucking) Effect [30 Aug 2005|02:02am] why is the absolute truth so constant? help a hand in need through a forest of dark paths and a symbol of unapproachable light finds you and me oh why couldn't we be alone on a field through heaven and hell never again seek dimensional well-being in love because you'll find the thief in selfish desire oh torment the whiny bitch of us all finding that perfect hole of complaint cause and effect cause and fucking effect post comment

Chapter 8 - Laws of Nature and Nurture [28 Aug 2005|04:43am] heaven was created with the idea that we could all possibly go to hell the possibility of life, death, and eternity your world is infinite - create obstacles run into traffic hold the gun up to your enemy and don't fire because fear faltered fire because you're a man live up to your survival tactics avoid the enemy and dodge the very fucking essence you made hell you know hell you'll burn hell you'll turn out fine because you know heaven's around that corner ready to save the peace, prosperity, and politics. 1 comment|post comment

Chapter 7 - Truth and Lies [15 Aug 2005|02:06am] Systematic control by lies Dishonesty intercepting the selfless Dodging a hidden message She could be a genuine person Momental control by truth Honesty manipulating the selfish Running to obvious facts He could be a horrible person Bureaucratic control by lies Hypocrisy blinding the dreamers Purifying a torturous decree She could never understand pain Potential control by truth Sincerity dividing the realists Plaguing a passionate facet He could never understand pleasure post comment

Chapter 6 - Selfishness, Dedication, Appreciation, and Generosity [09 Aug 2005|01:06pm] It's a funny thing how the most arrogant people are so quick to mask their arrogance with modesty when their selfishness is pointed out. Those same people are always the ones who state "happiness comes from within" while ignoring the fact that their individualistic attidude is, in fact, plaguing the fucking world around them. I'm sure we can all fall into these judgemental categories throughout life and I don't want to sound hostile but I refuse to give up my dedication to others before myself. I refuse to let my generosity go just because it's not being reciprocated. I refuse to let go of my love for someone because I feel obligated as a fucking human being to give it my all, unconditionally, regardless of situation and circumstance. I'm sure this attitude of mine is all relative to whatever state of mind i'm in... lack of appreciation can kill the human spirit. It's alright though because it's just another day with another obstacle to overcome. 15 comments|post comment

Chapter 5: Intoxication of the Heart (From a Poetic Perspective) [07 Jul 2005|03:31pm] Violently her passion wanes decreasing pleasure principle Curious, a desire for the painful enjoying brutal massacres of bliss Torturous waiting while alone bleeding from his apple's message Adam the sinful and Eve his first friend Referencing biblical imagery to blind and outline creation Eve his first lover and Adam the lustful healing from his broken ribcage Joyous patience while busy hating gentle preserves of anguish Apathetic, a distaste for abhorence increasing paroxysmal principle Moderately his passion gains 2 comments|post comment

Chapter 4 - Survival [23 Apr 2005|03:39pm] The only ideal lifestyle is survival. To live as long as possible while the environment, the people, and our very own bodies deterioriate us. It's rather ridiculous sometimes when I think about the lifestyle of pets. To some animal lovers their situation is ideal under the right owner - they eat, they play, they sleep - repeat cycle. However, what if it was in their intentions to survive on their own, with their own kind, without human intervention? We act like hands of God sometimes with animals.. projecting their future course under our surveillance and eliminating their absolute free will. Now if we didn't intervene we'd have lots of road kill, lots of stray animals fighting over garbage bags, and probably disease. However, when the animal cages fill up at the humane societies, I hear they have to free up the cages for new animals, when they can't find them homes. So it's either: 1. To the furnace. or 2. To the nice loving home of dictatorship. I guess I would hope for dictatorship over the furnace. Consider if we were roaming for food in garbage cans, got thrown in jail, and then they had to free up the jails for more stray humans. So...we get burned Holocaust style. We're very lucky to be humans although theres been times in the past where we have been treated like animals under dictatorship. Theres still beauty in controlled beaucracies where free-will is eliminated. That beauty is called survival. 3 comments|post comment

Chapter 3 - Randomized Numbers, Infinity, and Fate [18 Apr 2005|11:18am] This past weekend I had an epiphanic conversation that defied mathametical coincidence, proved that nothing in life is truly random, and brought a sense of light into a lifestyle that was formerly dark. We question whether our lives are infinite, whether we are invincible and eternal creatures. In this physical life the answer seems to be vividly clear. Our bodies deteriorate when abused and there are factors out of our control that limit both our physical and mental potential. We strive to push beyond these limitations, to break those barriers with scientific discoveries, to never give up on our goals for that euphoric state of mind. But statistically there is a 100% chance that we will die in this life. It seems that there are 3 predicted and proven certainties in life that every human being will accomplish: 1. We will be born. 2. We will live. 3. We will die. If there are 3 predicted certainties could there be more we are not aware of? Those limits alone have proven to me that spontaneity, concidence, and randomized numbers are impossible in this world. Rolling dice is controlled by the way we toss it, by the way gravity makes it fall, by some distinct action and reaction. They are not random. Picking numbers out of a hat is destined by how the numbers were placed in the hat, how the hat was shaken, how the hand reached in and picked. They are not random. Computers spitting out "randomized digits" are just products of an algorthimic system that we created, that we control. They are not random. The decision to use these methods of randomization was not random... it was fate. We think we can manipulate our destiny but thats impossible. People are brought together by interconnected decisions that follow parallel time paths and behind all of that theres a force that binds us. It sounds like i'm ripping off George Lucas but it's really fascinating. Our time with people here is not forever but after we die will there also be limits? It's often been said that we should "make the most of it in the time that we have". Well I think time makes the most of us and controls our paths - time controls the certainties in life that we're unaware of. There are no uncertainties but we can't fathom that because we're not all seeing entities. Our observational senses have physical and mental limits but everything happens for a reason. 3 comments|post comment

Chapter 2 - Sex, Friends, Companions, and Feminism [08 Apr 2005|02:53am] This chapter should probably be divided into sections or more chapters because each subject is so complex. But I decided to group them together for a reason, at least I think theres a reason! Anyway, before college I had more male friends than female friends but it seems the vaginas have outnumbered the penises as of late. I didn't really know the reason for this swap until quite recently and no, it's not because i'm gay (all my close male and female friends can vouch for the fact that I'm quite a horny guy when it comes to the female body and her "assets"). The main reason I have more female friends is because I'm attracted to all of them sexually. Now that the truth is out I'll probably have no female friends left because when a guy says "I only hang out with you for sex." - it automatically puts red flags up in the most insecure sense. But I don't mean that I only hang out with them for sex because the truth of the matter is I've never had sex with any of them and I never will. I just mean i'm attracted to them intimately or more appropriately, I find them beautiful enough to flirt with, to give compliments to, to treat them like pseudo-girlfriends, and yes, to sometimes kiss them. Does this attraction necessarily ruin the friendship? No, in fact, I think it makes it stronger because my care and dedication is out there in a more intimate sense. I can't act that way with male friends... well I could... but then i'd really come across as a homosexual. Does this make me the typical male? Do I spend day and night plotting how i'll get my next piece of ass? Quite the opposite actually, in having more friends that are girls and being attracted to them, I've found out more what women want as far as the admirable male personality traits. Women like to complain and bitch about what they don't have rather than what they do have. So do I but I don't do it 90% of the day. However, through listening to these complaints I've learned what NOT to be. Through almost every past relationship, I've been a clingy, submissive, smotherer of affection. When I saw my female friends pulling their hair out over these obsessed boyfriends of theirs, my senses finally became clear. It's possible to still be nice without saying "I love you." every other second. It's possible to still be a great boyfriend without going to her house every day of the week. It's possible to still maintain a reciprocal, respectful, healthy relationship without offering your whole heart to a woman within the span of one month. In fact, most of my female friends have said that they'd rather have a guy who slowly builds on an realistic companionship than a rushed partership for life. All these words are coming from a guy who focused every one of his relationships on idealized romance and love. I don't want to be a cynic and say there isn't a such thing because I've certainly felt those "cliche" emotions but it's only been temporary. For something to last, a guy these days has to treat a woman like a free bird. It seems like a dominating concept to let a girl do whatever she wants because a guy can't really do whatever he wants. However, the concept of possession has flipped gender roles and while most women will deny it and claim that they let their men do anything they want... the element of control is now in the hands of the woman. This isn't necessarily a bad thing for the men - it just requires that we're more understanding and considerate of the choices that women make in their home life, work life, and sex life. Haha, it's a great thing for women too, feminists can finally sleep well at night! My older brother and his wife are a good example of how to make this concept work. While my brother isn't exactly a stay at home Mr. Mom, he still takes care of driving his little daughters to playschool, changing their diapers, feeding them, and doing the grunt work of child reering while his wife faithfully watches sitcoms after a long day teaching school. She gave birth (which is physically deterioriating I hear) and now she must rest while my brother takes on what was formerly and more traditionally a woman's role. Does he complain? Hell no. Does he love her? Hell yes. Does she complain? Fuck no (well maybe.. she's still a woman... so theres naturally some complaining 3 days of the month). Does she love him? Fuck yeah. This entry goes out to all of you guys who want to give up on the world of woman because of it's changed roles. Theres still a chance for us, I promise. Although, I doubt any guys will read this because most of my firiends are girls. Shit. :( 4 comments|post comment

Chapter 1 - Words [21 Mar 2005|09:37am] Sometimes life seems like a battle between actions and words. People take both seriously but currently the trend points to a domination by words. The ironic part is that words are a direct expression of action or are a direct defense of action. It's always interesting to consider what our lives would be like without verbal communication. For instance, life through the eyes of the blind and the ears of the deaf. Would our actions, with their lack of words as offense and defense, on default, appear more substantial? The word "promise" is quite possibly the most abused word in the english dictionary. The failure of people to live up to their word is painful and fucking irritating. As a member of the human race, I'd like to think we've all contributed to this false hope - the unreliable consistency of promises not met. But what if we examined people by the implied promises (actions) instead of the blatant promises (words)? What if we evaluated people by what they have given us rather than what they haven't lived up to? Our expectations for greatness in people always gets let down by these little "promises". The interesting part is those same people who fuck up with their promises have still offered goodness in some form - it's not like it goes away over night when their words are not consistent. We're all victims and suspects in the crime of putting words above actions. It's important to remember that words are just humanity's structuralized form of communication. Our lives without words might seem useless but we can still breath and love without talking, reading, writing, typing, etc... right? Silence is underrated. Everything I've written on here is for an action not for a word. post comment

The Prologue [24 Feb 2005|12:42am] Our lives are the product of dependency. The process leading to our birth is not a solo one - it requires two human entities (a male and a female) brought together by some type of union. This union can be through mutual sex, rape, 21st century artificial insemination, or any other type of fertilization. The point is, the process cannot be done alone, especially not in this day and age with overly concerned OB-GYNs, the women's feminist movement screaming pro-choice abortion rants, and the Catholic Church praying for pregant mothers to actually have their babies. So we're products of dependency and are either gifts from heaven or blatant biological mistakes (the former usually turn out to be devoutly religious and the latter turn out to be atheists!). Life had it's way, followed the human blueprint for development, and popped us out of a vagina (unless a cesarean section is performed). Isn't it fascinating?! We're all connected and share a common bond... we came out of the most beautiful being on Earth... the woman. Whats even more interesting is how powerful our genetic predispositions are. Yes, there has always been a war between nature and nurture - the battle of which is more dominant. However, the fact remains that we still have powerful genetic predipositions and those are implanted in us before we're even born. It is my belief that we're genetically predisposed to be depedent creatures. Even when the nurture stage is complete we cannot survive alone. We thrive on being accepted, commended, respected, and admired and we thrive on accepting others, commending others, respecting others, and admiring others. Therefore, life is cyclical in dependency - we're products of dependency (birth), our lives our lead by dependency (life), and when we fade and are mourned our offspring or kin have dependent emotional connections that they pass on forever (death). So why do we fight this dependency? Why do we kid ourselves with this independent elitist bullshit? I don't know. I really don't know. 3 comments|post comment

What is life? [23 Feb 2005|02:19am] Life is not meaningless. Life is not overtly meaningful either. Life is a series of chapters between the epilogue and the prologue. The prologue, an introduction, in this sense - our existence before birth. The epilogue, the concluding part of a discourse, in this sense - our existence after death. Life is an ambiguous story defined by lack of clarity and by variety of interpretation. Life is a composite of pain, pleasure, truth, lies, hate, love, sex, romance, and other emotion driven experiences whereby polarity exists. Life is realistic through the concious mind and unrealistic through the unconcious mind. Life is somewhere inbetween real and unreal through the subconcious. Life is a competition of "who is smarter, who is taller, who is skinnier, who is ideal". In this case, I have lost the competition but does that mean I've lost my life completely? Life is full of fucking good questions. Life can be explained unsuccessfully through music, words, poetry, anecdotes, and livejournal entries. "If your life is such a big joke why should I care?" -Interpol Life is perception and through every experience we cannot begin to narrow it down, categorize it, understand it, or even begin to fathom it's essence. But I've always admired those who attempt to answer, that, which is quite possibly the most commonly asked question in the world... "what is life?" So I hope you will all respect and admire my attempt and my inevitable failure; a failure that could end up being the best learning experience of my life. 5 comments|post comment

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